Parenting is always a balancing act. One minute we are their best friend and the next we are getting the cold shoulder. Trying to find a balance to it all can be tricky and can leave you feeling stuck. In this post I will share a story about me and my eldest son and what I did that helped our future relationship.
Teens
The battle of communication
I struggled with communication with my kids when they hit puberty until I learned a few things. I have two teenagers at home, a 16-year-old boy and a soon-to-be 13-year-old girl.
In our home, we have always allowed our children to express themselves vocally trying to make sure they have a good sense of communication and talking out their feelings. When my eldest reached puberty, he started to clam up and stopped talking about school, teachers, or friends. I felt like I was battling him every time I asked how school was, and I would get an “ehh, fine”.
If you have teenagers at home, you probably know what I’m talking about. If you don’t have teenagers yet, trust me, it gets complicated at times!
It was rough learning to navigate this new territory. In the beginning I kind of just let him have his space. (he loves to hide in his room most of the day-he still does this now at 16) After a few months I felt like I was loosing him, like he was becoming a distant member of this family. So, I forced myself into his space as uncomfortable as it was. I would follow him into his room after school and sit down on his bed and just talk about my day since he didn’t want to share about his day. At first this got a lot push back he would ask me “why was I in his room” or “what did I want”. I just said I wanted to spend time with his since I missed him and since he didn’t want to share his day I was going to share mine. Eventually it started to turn into a 2 way conversation he wasn’t talking about his day but he was engaging in the conversation by asking me questions pertaining to what I was sharing. I think this was a huge turning point it was letting him know that I still cared about him, that I still wanted to spend time with him, even if he wasn’t ready to share. Now at 16.5 he still is very silent about certain aspects of his life mainly emotions but honestly what man shares his emotions openly and freely. Not any in my life and I have many brothers and and blessed to still have my dad around. Not even my husband opens up freely about his emotions. Anyway my eldest son shares just about everything else going on in his life or things he thinks about, we have deep conversations late a night about life and often times about biblical topics.
I give him hugs and tell him I love him many times through out the day, we always have! However I fear to think what life may have looked like had I not pushed into that uncomfortable zone with him. If I hadn’t stayed strong and pushed into that conversation mode how wide of a relationship gap would have been created and if it had gone on for a long time would we have ever been able to recover from it?
So if you feel like you are loosing control, or are loosing connection with your teen. I ask you to be bold, and stand strong in love and understanding. Be in their space no matter how uncomfortable it makes you both feel, until it becomes so normal to be in the same space. Even if no words are spoken, just keeping company. They will start to enjoy and appreciate your presence. They will begin to feel important and loved. Even if they don’t say it. Don’t let a gap build in this fragile time. This is the time they need you most even if they can’t express it.
Be there, in the silence!!
Eventually there won’t be any more silence, it will be replaced by good conversations, laughter, and love.